Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
