We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
