Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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