I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
