She is in my trunk
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
