I didn't shave. On purpose
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I look better un-naked...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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