He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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