oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
