help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
