So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
