areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
