after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
