I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
