I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
