Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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