If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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