god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
