Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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