I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
