Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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