I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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