Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
