Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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