Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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