Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
