its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
