I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
