Umm I'm too high to move.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
