it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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