i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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