my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
