she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
