Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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