I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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