During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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