Ambien. No doubt about it.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
