I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
