I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
