Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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