Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
