More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
