please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
