Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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