I accidentally had phone sex last night
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
