Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
