Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm passing your future prison.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
