so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
