How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
