Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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