I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
